Behind the Tears

Posted by Etch Life on

Mother’s Day…simple idea, complicated emotions. I am a mother and yet I am not. This will be my second Mother’s Day since my beautiful daughter, Kate, unexpectedly passed away. Forever 31, she was an amazing mother who believed in childhood, parenting to the heart, and child-led play.  She never understood why we needed one day to honor mothers. She believed we should honor moms every day and I felt she did just that.  But she always took extra care on Mother’s Day to let me know how much she loved and appreciated me.

She was my only child and I will always be her momma but I can no longer experience life as a mother. I can only live the memories of the past not participate in a life full of promise. More than anything I wish I could see her, talk to their, hug her, not just look at photos and remember. I don’t yearn for flowers or chocolate for Mother’s Day, I want to hear her say “momma” one more time. This is a loss that is more complex than I can describe and one I wish no one else would have to experience. Yes, I am more than a mother but I loved being her mother more than anything on this earth. Perhaps you can relate or understand.

Children are a gift we so easily take for granted. On this Mother’s Day, take the time to recognize what a privilege it is to be a mom, to have children who frustrate you, who wear you out, who drive you crazy. Many of us would love to be exhausted by our children rather than the grief and pain we endure.

I don’t know why some experience tragic loss and I will never know. What I do know is for the last 19 months God has given me hope, stamina, and resilience to cope and get through each day. Most days I know I could not have done so if not for His strength, mercy, and faithfulness pulling me out of bed and into my day. I know I will live with deep pain in my heart for the rest of my life. Every day is difficult and even after feeling angry, betrayed, and questioning everything I believed, I still choose God, his word and a desire to follow him.  While this is not the life I thought I would have, I know I have a life to live. I pray I can boldly and bravely do it well.   Kate lived with intentionality and deep faith in the Lord.  I know her life mattered. My job now is to nurture her memory, to be sure her name is spoken, her loving heart shared, her influence carried forward. To be a momma in the only way left for me.

 

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