Twelve years ago, you would not have found me serving diligently in ministry, like you would today. On any given night, you would have found me with the party crowd, taking shots, dancing on bars and living a loosely wild life filled with shallow things and self-destruction. The road to ruin for me was paved with refusing to see or understand how much God truly loved me, and how He was enough.
Motherhood for me began alone, in my single girl apartment with two lines on a stick. It came with floods of fear, shame, sadness and uncertainty. Nine months of these feelings, plus the fear of the unknown followed, as God and I wrestled through this new life growing inside me. The jolt into unplanned motherhood (unplanned by me) was like being thrown into the deep end of glacier water; an all-consuming shock to all aspects of my life. Then Cohen came and God redeemed it all.
God has taught me there are consequences to all sin. There’s no sin that doesn’t have a consequence. What God has shown me through my first experience into motherhood is that Cohen (now eleven years old) was not the consequence of my sin, as no baby ever is a consequence but only a blessing. Cohen, was the immense blessing that God used to jolt me out of my life of destruction. Through this He taught me how to be selfless and showed me how great His love for me is.
When Cohen came into my life all things changed. I still had some hard times, and nothing came easy, but God refined me through this process. There are still consequences to the sin that I was living in. I have to share my son every other Christmas with his other family, I have to explain to my children why Cohen spends weekends and holidays away from us and why he has a different dad. That is part of the wages of my sin.
However, God used Cohen and motherhood to save my life. To show me great forgiveness, mercy, grace and abundant love. Through that forgiveness, I have been redeemed.
From day one of motherhood I have learned so much and been refined in the hottest fires of my life. The daily giving up of one’s own needs and desires, the asking forgiveness when I’ve yelled and been unkind, the heart ache of packing Cohen’s bags to go to his dad’s house. All of it has made me understand the great love that my heavenly Father has for me, because I can’t imagine a love that runs deeper and wider than the love I have for these little people that call me momma.
Though my plunge into motherhood was unexpected and not with the loving husband at my side, it was worth it. Every day I get to live out the gospel and receive and give abundant grace as I have been given.
Motherhood has been refinement and blessing at each turn and I imagine it always will be.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time…